Monkey-Barring: The Toxic Dating Trend of Never Being Alone

Ever dated someone who seemed to have a new partner lined up before your relationship even ended? This unsettling behavior has a name: monkey-barring. Relationship experts explain that it’s when someone clings to their current partner while secretly securing a new one, ensuring they never have to face being single. Instead of falling when one relationship ends, they simply swing to the next person.

The Fear of Loneliness Drives Monkey-Barring

According to relationship expert Angelika Koch, monkey-barring often stems from a deep-rooted fear of being alone. This behavior is fueled by a need for constant companionship, even if it means betraying trust or emotionally abandoning a partner prematurely. “People who do this often lack emotional growth, because they are constantly moving through life in a fear-based manner to avoid the hard work it takes when healing from wounds in a past relationship,” Koch told Vice.

Jumping from one person to another prevents individuals from truly growing or getting to know themselves. Koch describes it as a fear-based action, often rooted in codependency, where the thrill of avoiding solitude provides a false sense of security.

Red Flags: How to Spot Monkey-Barring

Spotting monkey-barring, whether you’re the victim or the perpetrator, often starts with recognizing early red flags. Emotional distance is a primary indicator. Partners preparing to leave may withdraw, showing less interest and investment, appearing distracted or disengaged. As relationship expert Dionne Reid notes, this distance is often the first sign of an impending exit, as true intimacy requires presence, not avoidance.

Increased secrecy is another major warning sign. Those engaging in monkey-barring tend to become guarded about their communications and actions. They might become protective of their phones, offer vague explanations for their plans, or avoid discussing their day, indicating they are exploring other romantic options while still committed to their current relationship.

• Emotional withdrawal and disengagement.
• Increased secrecy and protectiveness over personal communications.
• Vague explanations about daily activities or plans.
• Frequent flirting with others outside the relationship.
• A noticeable decline in intimacy and connection.

If you recognize these behaviors in yourself or a partner, it might be time to address the underlying fears and work towards healthier relationship patterns. As the saying goes, quit monkeying around and face your feelings!